Welcome everyone to the 1st ever NBA Knucklehead Awards! My name is Cal Cee & I’ll be your host for this evening. I’d start off with a monologue of punch lines & jokes but unfortunately, it wasn’t in the budget this year to pay the extra writers. The only writer I could only afford was me, & even I cost too much. So without further ado, let’s get this thing started! Before we begin & announce this year’s winners, I’d like to thank a few people first….

First, I’d like to thank my Mama for bringing me into this world. I’d also like to thank God because without you none of this is possible ***double-taps chest twice & points to the sky with full tear ducts***……. I’d also like to thank the wife & family for holding me down. I loves you ***points to them in stands with slow nod of approval***…… & also, I’d like to shout out some of my peoples for inspiring & helping me put together the nominee listings. Shout out to Julian for initially sending the GQ article of Rajon Rondo in one of our text/chat groups that sent me down this Knuckleheaded journey, as well as to Curtis, Kevin, Luugi, Marco, & Julian again for helping me with the list. The cheques are in the mail fellas……

…….okay, that’s just a big ass lie, but thanks anyways. Again, the budget thing guys, you understand, right?  ****putting their money back in back pocket to use for rain-making purposes later this evening.****

On that note, let’s start the show! The NBA Knuckleheads Awards starts now! Before we get to the players, let’s acknowledge the management level guys first. Why should they be ignored???

TOP COACH

“There’s some type of saying. A team matches the coach.”
– DeMarcus Cousins, the realest shit he’s ever said.

A) George Karl, Sacramento Kings – Notoriously hard on his players & has a history of having issues with his stars. DeMarcus Cousins of course clearly, is no different.

B) Byron Scott, Los Angeles Lakers – For his delusional belief in Kobe Byrant, & his yo-yoing of his stud rookie’s playing time. Keep your heads up D’Angelo & Julius, it’ll get better once he follows Kobe out the door.

C) Doc Rivers, Los Angeles Clippers – The Leader who resides over the most whiniest team in the NBA.

D) Derek Fisher, New York Knicks – Guy Code Breaker.

The Winner: George Karl. It ain’t like Cousins is the easiest player to deal with, BUT when the first order of business of your first off-season with your new team is to try to ship your star off like Fed Ex, you kind of set the wheels in train-wreck motion, don’t you? I wouldn’t even be surprised if he leads them to the playoffs at this point. I mean, why not? Wouldn’t it be more entertaining to watch this team implode wildly by the 4th quarter of Game 3 of their 4-game sweep to the hands of the Warriors at the end of April?

TOP GM

A) Billy King, Brooklyn Nets – The NBA’s version of a fantasy player that plays but doesn’t know all the rules, or sadly, the value of all the players. That 2013 Celtics trade, is now the equivalent of sending the shitty GM a lopsided trade, & being happily shocked when he pressed “Accept This Trade” on the other end.

B) Vlade Divac, Sacramento Kings – After Cousins cussed out George Karl, not only did Vlade deny Karl’s request to suspend Cousins for a couple of games, but asked all the players if they should fire Karl. Um, what the fu….

C) Sam Hinkie, Philadelphia 76ers – Helped to create a tanking atmosphere so dreadful for his young players, that my guy Jahlil Okafor (I love his offensive skill set by the way) decided to volunteer himself as the club scene version of one of Birdie’s boys from Above The Rim. It’s a damn shame what happened to Flip the Sixers…

D) Jim Buss, Los Angeles Lakers – I know the GM is Mitch Kupchak, but I feel if he was to ever leave the Lakers & wanted another job, other teams will remember who worked above him… & then he’ll be fine.

The Winner: This one was hard to choose from, all nominees have very strong cases. However, I can’t shake the fact that Boston gets Brooklyn’s unprotected pick this year because of that KG-Paul Pierce trade. A trade I was actually fine with two years ago. Wait, am I a knucklehead too? I might have to share this award. Shit….. anyway, the other teams at least have the option to keep their picks. However, Brooklyn is horrible right now with no direction for the future, & has highly overpaid players on their team (not including Thaddeus Young). I’m sorry Billy, but not only does Boston get your unprotected picks this year AND 2018, but you also gave them the right to swap first rounders in 2017. Honestly, did you just press “Accept” on the email without looking it over? Did you negotiate anything to Danny Ainge over the phone? How hard was it for Ainge to stifle in his laughter while hand-motioning his assistants to call league office to approve that deal before King changed his mind??? Seriously now, I’m asking. You couldn’t even put some provisions (i.e. Top 7 protected or something similar to that) on those picks man??

& now…..the top Knucklehead nominees at each position……

TOP CENTER

A) Dwight Howard, Houston Rockets – Went from the best big man in 2009, to the most annoying in a six year span. Now apparently hates his role as James Harden’s most physically imposing rebound catcher. Well, I can’t blame him totally for that because, you know… Harden ISOs.

B) DeMarcus Cousins, Sacramento Kings – The “Steph Curry” of the category.

C) Hassan Whiteside, Miami Heat – After his breakout game last season vs. Chicago, his first interview on National TV, what does he say when the mic is put in his face? “I’m just worried about getting my NBA 2K ratings up” with a blank, emotionless look. That, plus his attempt to make his Snapchat account rival DJ Khaled’s. Yup, that’s $20M+ per year coming to an arena near you folks. #AnotherOne

D) JaVale McGee, Dallas Mavericks — As long as he continues to play basketball (NBA, D-League, Europe, YMCA, House League), he’ll warrant a spot on the list.

The Winner: DeMarcus Cousins. Most talented Center in the NBA, incredibly skilled who’s added a 3-point shot to the arsenal, makes Christmas dreams come true….. but you don’t care about that. Let’s recount the actions from the start of the season alone:

• He cussed out his coach loudly in from of his teammates after a loss to the point where Coach Karl had to just walk away, then asks his teammates, “Was I wrong? Did I take it too far?”;
• Followed OJ Mayo to the player’s tunnel to fight after getting called out by Mayo to fight immediately after the buzzer….. a game he actually sat out with a lower back strain (hilarious points added for Darren Collision being the only teammate trying to hold him back);
• Getting his 3rd, 4th, & 5th fouls plus two techs within 45 seconds in the 2nd half of last week’s loss to Golden State…. and once again, he had to be restrained by teammates;
• The “E” of his Entourage, throwing slaps at Jason Terry during an NBA game & then his classic post game response,

“It just shows I’ve got some ride or dies.”
– D. Cousins

I used to be annoyed by his antics, but now I sit back and enjoy the show the same way I would watching Rent or The Lion King on Broadway. I’m at the point where I’ll pay top dollar to watch him drop 36/16 with 2 made threes, 2 blocks, 2 Techs & a Flagrant 2, and about 3-4 teammates fighting to make him leave the court in a timely manner. When you see teammates trying to calm Cousins down when he’s T’d up, it’s reminiscent of the friend in your crew who always seems to either get into fights or near-fights, leaving you to be the one to constantly play peacemaker. By the 419th time, you’re walking to split it up with an intensity level of -3.6. It’s the best. I don’t even want Cousins to change his ways anymore, I want him to stay true to who he is for as long as possible.

TOP POINT GUARD

A) Rajon Rondo, Sacramento Kings – He quit on his team right in the middle of the playoff series.

B) Rajon Rondo, Sacramento Kings – He quit on his team right in the middle of the playoff series.

C) Rajon Rondo, Sacramento Kings – He quit on his team right in the middle of the playoff series.

D) Rajon Rondo, Sacramento Kings – You get the picture here…

The Winner: Rajon Rondo. I’ll put a little context into Rondo’s walkoff episode. Rick Carlisle is a great, great coach. One of the only active coaches to own an NBA ring, but he is also someone who is hard on his point guards. He’s old school in that he wants to call the plays most of the time, but if you’re an elite PG, especially one that’s as notoriously smart as Rondo, you could see where the bucking of heads was almost inevitable. Still…. walking away from a team (even as much as he was struggling) during the middle of a playoff series in a contract year is almost self-sabotage. It’s like cutting a hole open on your boat in the middle of the sea, & being totally fine with the decision even when it’s taking on gallons of water.

At this stage he’s playing close to the pre-ACL tear Rondo when he was a defensive tear & a walking triple double. However, that whole Bill Kennedy situation & how it was handled (apologizing for what happened but not officially apologizing to Kennedy himself) smells of stubborn knuckheaditis. It’s one thing when you’re just a loose cannon, but when you’re super smart & still make stubborn decisions that can float towards the knucklehead zone, is even worse.

Interesting Stat: According to ESPN Stats & Information, since 2010, Cousins has received 77 technical fouls, been ejected 10 times & been suspended 6 different times (five by the league, once by his team), basically, the runaway leader of “Knuck” Nation. It’s as if Rasheed Wallace & Isaiah Rider hopped into the same body. You know who ties him in suspensions (five by NBA, one by team) during this same span? Your favorite NBA point guard Rajon Rondo! See? Yet another reason why these two teammates need to be together.

TOP SHOOTING GUARD

A) James Harden, Houston Rockets – He’s dating a Kardashian as an athlete. Nothing else matters.

B) Nick Young, Los Angeles Lakers – He’s dating Iggy Azalea He seems to be someone you’d love to hang with off the court, but want to almost swing on him for the legendary way he hogs the ball.

C) J.R. Smith, Cleveland Cavaliers – LeBron is doing a great job keeping J.R. in check, and maybe J.R.’s matured himself, it’s definitely possible…….& then you remember how he swung on Jae Crowder & you’re like, “Naaah!!”

D) Lance Stephenson, Los Angeles Clippers – When he left the Pacers as their 2nd best player on a title contending team, most of his teammates was relieved. They didn’t even care if it made them worse.

The Winner: If Denzel, Leonardo, Kevin Spacey, & Matt Damon were up for best actor during the same year for the Oscars, it still wouldn’t have been as hard to choose from as this category. If this award was announced after the ’13-’14 season, Lance would have walked away with this hands down. Since then, he torpedoed his experience in Charlotte after one season, & is currently trying to find his way in Clipperland. However, he’s been somewhat quiet for the past 1½ seasons. J.R. Smith wins due to his consistency to rack up “knuck stats” with his off-the-cuff comments, his shoelace tying incidents, to putting a model’s bare ass on his Twitter (….actually, I’m not mad for seeing that), his punch on Crowder, and just his general “I barely give two fu*ks” behavior. He’s calmed down recently because he’s playing for a contender & keeping his focus because mainly, there’s no nightlife in Cleveland. His words, not mine.

TOP POWER FORWARD

A) Kevin Garnett, Minnesota Timberwolves – Only in this category for dunking on Blake Griffin on a fast break, barking & preening at everyone like it’s 2004, but realizing that was only 2 of his 4 points he had that night. I love Garnett & his career, I really do, but he’s a 3-legged Doberman right now with his antics. As Barkley has said on Inside the NBA, he’s no longer “The Big Ticket”, he’s just Kevin Garnett. That play signifies this whole paragraph.

B) Markieff Morris, Phoenix Suns – Has not been the same since they traded away his twin brother Marcus to Detroit. I feel this is the way Tomax would have behaved if the other womb-sharing brother Xamot was sent away from Cobra.

C) Marcus Morris, Detroit Pistons – Markieff is already feeling down in Phoenix. You think I’m gonna leave him lonely here too? You must be mad.

D) Josh Smith, Los Angeles Clippers – You’ve seen his shot selection, right? He’s been giving coaches acid reflux since 2004. Looks like Doc wants no part of that stomach burning life based on the inconsistent minutes Smith’s been getting this season.

The Winner: Markieff Morris. When the owner (Robert Sarver) of your team is willing to make you the face of the Sensitive Millenial era, you know you done messed up. He basically thinks that post-Marcus trade, Markieff is the ‘16 version of Ralph Tresvant. It’s not like Sarver isn’t responsible for the organization going from being one of its most respected in the NBA, to everyone now looking at them with a side glance. However, the way Morris has been carrying himself since that trade, from killing his own trade value with his trade demands, the way his play went down this season, to having a throwback Robert Horry moment (& I don’t mean clutch 3s) & chucking a towel in Coach Hornacek’s face (who immediately threw Markieff & his under-performing stats under the bus), it’s hard not to win this running away.

TOP SMALL FORWARD

A) Ron Artest/Metta World Peace, Los Angeles Lakers – I think anytime you hop in the stands to whup ass, you get an automatic, honorary nomination until you retire.

B) Josh Smith, Los Angeles Clippers – He’s earned the right to double dip, as his shot selection has been notoriously bad from both positions. Also, even though he got waived from Detroit more than a year ago, we can’t just dismiss the way Detroit has improved the moment he left, can we?

C) Chandler Parsons, Dallas Mavericks – Even if DeAndre Jordan was more wishy-washy than a peer-pressured teenager during his free agency period last summer, I wasn’t a huge fan of Parsons being the most outspoken talker on the Mavericks outside of Mark Cuban, especially when his own production hasn’t come close to matching his mouth. Plus, he tried to date a Jenner.

D) Matt Barnes, Memphis Grizzlies – Guy Code Defender.

The Winner: Matt Barnes. With that said, I can’t be mad at what he did with regards to Derek Fisher. Once you’re a guy who has more than one friend, you can’t break guy code. It’s just a flagrant violation, unless you hate his guts. This goes for teammates & ex-teammates too. Male friendships are rooted on Guy Code ethics, & the rules aren’t even that complicated. Here are some of them:

• Never date (or smash) your boy’s sister unless you plan to marry her, no matter how good she looks;
• Never date (or smash) you boy’s ex-girlfriend or ex-wife unless a discussion is had first & you’ve received blessings. If your boy feels even 2% funny about it, just walk away unless you want to end up like R. Kelly in the “Down Low” video;
• Never shit on your boy in front of a woman to make yourself look like the better option. An underrated no-no;
• Don’t buy the same car as someone in your crew unless it’s a steal of a deal. If so, don’t buy the same color;
• If you’re a wing man & you have to land on a “grenade” to make your boy win, you have to do it. If you’re not willing to fully land on said “grenade”, at least create or run a diversion;
• If you’re in a public bathroom & there are multiple urinals, respect the buffer zone, &;
• You’re only allowed to shed tears if you blow your Achilles or ACL, get hit really hard in the man region, or your date is using her teeth;

I don’t know how tight the friendship was, but you can’t violate to that degree, especially with an ex-teammate that’s not afraid to throw his hands. You’re chilling at your ex-teammate’s ex-wife’s house behind his back, with his kids around & everything…… even you’re reading that sentence right now with the hairs on your neck standing up. So for Barnes to snap, I may not condone it, but I understand it. I also approve his Happy New Year IG post as well. Thought it was funny & priceless.

Team Uniforms

As far as the uniform this squad should wear, we may not have to use the 76ers uniform, but I’m thinking we have to use their team colors, right? At 4-33, they might break their own NBA record of being the worst team in NBA history (Worst record is 9-73 by 1972-73 Sixers), and if that happens, Okafor might end up doing some jail time (By the way, did they really sign Elton Brand??? I had to check the calendar to make sure it wasn’t 2006). Either way, the team logo needs to be a string of Screwfaced emojis, going right across the chest & down the shorts.

Well that’s it folks! Same time next year? Ok cool. We may need to look into a sponsor for this one. Have a great & prosperous 2016, and strive to be great in everything you do in your life. If you strive to be a knucklehead, do me a favor, please let me know so that I can get a restraining order together that keeps you at least 150 feet away from me at all times. God bless & good night!

*** Disclaimer: This post was written in good fun. If you can’t take this in good fun, please do me a favor & let me know so that I can get a restraining order together that keeps you at least 150 feet away from me at all times. ***

 

Cal Cee // South Shore Ave

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